Direct quote from Apple website:

“Step 1: Plug in your iPod via the USB cable provided.
Step 2: You will be prompted to install new iPod firmware, click yes.
Step 3: Your songs are now inaccessible. Have a nice day.”

Today I did the right thing by Apple and upgraded my iPod firmware only to discover that it wasn’t the kind of upgrade that is beneficial to all involved, it’s the kind of firmware upgrade that violates you with a macbook, then breaks it off at the end and hits you with the other end. My entire song collection became inaccessible unless the thing was plugged into my PC (ie. It would show no songs on there, but still identify an odd 27gig sized ‘hole’ in the available storage space).

After a considerable amount of faffing around I decided I had no option but to call the Apple support desk. Now I like anyone had high hopes that the wunderkinds in Bangelor/Madras/’Joke helpdesk location #3’ would be able to bam my problem right out of the park; so it was to my horror when I heard questions like ‘have you restarted it?’ and the always qualifying ‘are you aware your warranty has expired?’ The icing on the cake was when ‘Guru’ (my friendly helpdesk consultant) took my details so he could send me some no doubt helpful info and took my email address as ‘pat.bren@’. I can’t really be surprised, this does fall in line with Steve Jobs recent press statement: “We’re Apple, fuck domain names”.

My hopes of Apple solving my problem dashed, I got all Jake 2.0 on my iPod and managed to fix it via the ancient art of ‘h4X0r1ng’, but not before wasting 2 hours, and having to reformat and therefore delete all songs stored on it. I was going to write Apple an email telling them they’re shit, but surprise surprise, the only way you can contact them is via their helpdesk. Fantastic.

Moral of the story: Apple make shitty, overpriced, disposable products with and think they can get away with it by re-selling people the same shit repackaged when it inevitably breaks. Don’t buy into it. Eat an orange.

PS. If anyone else has this problem, hit me up and I’ll tell you how to fix it.

NOTE: I did all this while at work, thank you Department of Immigration (Your tax dollars at work)

Just saw an ad on TV for the newest McDonalds Shrek themed happy meal. All I can say is "If you want your kids to get CAIDS (cancerous AIDS), then feed them the 'Far Away Pasta'". Actually, that cancerous AIDS thing works as a slogan for all McDonalds food...

Seriously, check this shit out...

Something I’ve noticed throughout the course of my life, now even more so since I joined the corporate workforce where I have become inundated with propaganda, is how misconstrued the already laughable concept of ‘diversity’ has become.

A typical definition of the term would be something along the lines of: “A term used to describe the relative uniqueness of each individual in the population”

From that definition, one would assume that a diverse group would be a collective of people with different knowledge, background, experience, socio-economic status and opinions, etc. But no, that's wrong. As the following stock photography demonstrates, society seems to believe that true diversity comes from people who look different:

These were the first few images turned up by googling 'diversity'









Now am I the only one who finds this concept offensive? All it does is bring irrelevant issues to the forefront by pointing out physical or racial differences in people that are irrelevant to the actual situation.

I think this is easier to explain with an example: Say a black man and a white man have a disagreement over the result of a football game, and this leads a fist fight in which the only motivation is the difference of opinion.
Now while most people would see this occurrence as two people fighting, ‘Diversity’ is the jerk who pipes up with and calls it a ‘hate crime’. Irrelevant bullshit buzzwords from people who a) are looking to make money or b) too worried about being considered racist to see the situation for what it is.

I’m not being racist, ageist, sexist or any other kind of ‘ist’ (with the possible exception of realist); I just find it ironic that in societies struggle to be so politically correct, they have basically become the polar opposite.

Unfortunatley it doesn’t stop there, we have to put up with cringe worthy terms like ‘diversity hire’ being thrown around; this refers to a company hiring an employee purely for the sake of 'diversity'. when was the last time you saw a fully able, Caucasian male referred to as a ‘diversity hire’? I’ll tell you when: jack-fucking never.

Come on, when did it become politically incorrect to NOT point out the fact that somebody is different to you? People are people regardless of their physical appearance. Toss this backwards bullshit.

Around 2 months ago, Tom and I were celebrating being fully moved into our new Canberra apartment, and we did this by going out and getting properly mashed. The next morning was a sorry state of affairs, and in my pursuit of hangover relief I made the unusual choice of making myself a 'spider'. That's right, at 10am on a Saturday in an absolutely hagged condition, not an ounce of fluid in my body, I put ice cream and coke in a glass and consumed it. This is how it went down:

***Tom sees what I have made***
Tom: Thats disgusting, that will make you so sick
Pat: Nah, it will be good
***Pat consumes spider***
***15 minutes passes***
***Pat vomits***

Moral of the story, don't do as I do... or as I say...

Dear Rich River Houseboats (hereby referred to as 'Dick'),

It has been almost two weeks to the day since you shattered my youthful innocence, forcing me to learn the hard way not to trust maritime folk. Especially not bumpkin ones that  live inland and eat babies (ok that last part is just speculation, but you probably do a fair bit of weird shit)

On a fateful Thursday afternoon, I was innocently making the necessary bookings for   the 2nd annual Party Boat, the male bonding experience that sees eleven of my friends and I hire a houseboat and drift down the Murray River for 3 days of clean living, wholesome family values and good old fashioned maintaining-the-condition-of-said-hired-boat-as-not-to-incur-a-fine. “Makes sense to me,” I thought aloud “Functional and enjoyable for all involved”  

This year we decided to move our adventure further down the river to Echuca, as opposed to last years Mildura based venue, so I decided to hit the Internet in search of a suitable company.

That was how I came across your website, Dick, and I must the experience was amazing! The bright colours, moving shapes and random bold words got me so excited it my house mate Thomas had to give me a light pillow smothering to calm me down! I'm sure the bold words said something, but I was too busy ogling the pictures of people eating a  delectable boat cooked BBQ! It looked delicious! All this with the seemingly reasonable price tag of $1,815 for three nights? How could I lose!?
Even after tackling your baffling online booking system, which only allowed me to book a maximum of 10 people on a 12 berth boat, I was confident that I had made the right choice in booking a boat with you. But I was wrong. DEAD WRONG.

It was at this point that my invoice turned up via email. After donning my spectacles I settled in for an evening of browsing the terms and conditions listed at the bottom of the invoice with gay abandon, images of that delicious BBQ still lingering in my mind! I came across the following curious, additional terms:

1. A Bond of $800 is payable for our Deluxe houseboats.    

2. Single sex groups will incur a higher security bond which will be determined by the owners.

3. Groups where some or all of the occupants on the boat are under the age of 30 may incur a higher security bond which will be determined by the owners. You should discuss this with the owners prior to your arrival.

“That’s interesting” I thought to myself, clearly not prepared for the brutal, non-consensual anal fisting I was about to receive; so I contacted you, Dick, to ‘discuss prior to my arrival’ as to what the increased security bond would be for a boat containing 12 males under 30 so I'd know how many extra pennies id need to stow away to enable myself to meet your no doubt reasonable demands.

Now I know for a fact that the amount you announced wasn't at all random or pulled out of your gash; I know this because of the audible 'thinking' noises you made over the phone. The way you ‘ummed’ and ‘ahhed’ intently was so reassuring, it was as though you were putting the complex variable criteria through some kind of relentless algebraic equation that you and your crack team of boat folk have no doubt spent   years preparing and refining to perfection.
 
I know it might pale in comparison to the complexity of your own workings, but I’ve drawn up a rudimentary formula which I believe to be the same one that you used to calculate the bond figure:

[x(y+a)]/b = consumer rape

x = Standard $800 security bond
y = Number of passengers
a = Number of people in the room
b = Randomly generated number between .01 and .5
consumer rape = $3000

Yes that’s right; the grand total for the security bond came to $3000, nearly 4 times the standard amount. Needless to say, Dick, I was so taken aback by your reckless disregard for my feelings I had to steady myself on the furniture! I instantly assumed that you have my friends and I pegged as a group or sketchy drug addicts that would perform lewd and deviant acts on your boat! That's only the half truth and you know it. Thankfully Dick, you're a PR dreamboat (pardon the pun!!!!) and after a lengthy and in-no-way-incoherent discussion you convinced me that it was nothing personal against my friends and I, and that $3000 was the standard rate. I was so relieved!

So after calling bulldust on your ridiculous amount, eventually I managed to make you cancel the booking, and agree that you would refund my money, minus the transaction fee of 4% ($72) incurred by your booking company. While peeved that I was down $72, and disappointed that I'd never get to enjoy that delicious BBQ, I viewed this as a victory and made a booking with a different, less inbred company. Little did I know, Dick, you were in no way done violating me. DEAD WRONG.

Now here we are, two weeks later and still no money has been refunded to my account!  So this morning I took the initiative sending you a friendly email enquiring as to the whereabouts of my missing dollars. Several hours later I received a blunt reply informing me that the ‘transaction has gone through today’.
 
Now Dick, I realise that it’s purely coincidental that you happened to refund my money not only on the same day, but the exact time that I questioned you about it, meaning that it would be foolish and irresponsible of me to imply that you would not have returned the money of your own accord!

But step back honkey cat! You didn’t send my money back, did you Dick? Not all of it anyway. As promised, you kept your ‘transaction fee’ which oddly enough equated to $178.91, or 9.86% of the total booking.

Having a mathematical background (My University major was ‘which number is bigger than the other’) I realise that 9.86% is a larger percentage than 4%. Even if you were charged 4% for both the money going into your account and coming back out, that’s still only 8%. 8% is still a smaller percentage than 9.86%, Dick!

Anyway , I think I've already gone on too long; I'm sure you and your co-workers have 'Hills Have Eyes' style activities to busy yourself with (not that I'm implying you're nuclear mutants, just that you're a pack of jerks).
So well done Rich River Houseboats/Dick! I think it's safe to assume that your business model, the financial equivalent of ‘holding a child by the ankles, shaking him and then taking whatever falls from his pockets’, will lend you to all kinds of future success and highly lucrative business dealings. Godspeed Dick!

Fondest regards,
Patrick "Patrick" Bren